Reminiscing

A year ago tonight I went into labor (if you are going by days of the week - cause I technically went into labor on the 4th). I can't believe it. I can't believe that a year with my Hads has already gone by. I have been doing a lot of reflecting, and I can come to only one conclusion:

motherhood is a beautiful thing

I think back to that Friday night a year ago. I was so excited. But I had no idea what I was about to enter into.

I had no idea that I could love another human being so deep and so hard.

I had no idea, that she would become my world, my everything.

I had no idea that I would become so vulnerable. I find the degree to which I love her leaves me so vulnerable to the what ifs - what if something ever happened to her, what if she became sick, what if, what if.....the fear of losing her paralyzes me. I have never experienced that before.

I had no idea that being a mom would be so hard. It is SO MUCH WORK. I am more tired now than I ever have been in my life.

I had no idea that motherhood would be so rewarding. The simplest things that she does make my day.

I had no idea that motherhood would be so emotional. I swear I cry at everything now.

I had no idea how much I would grow.

I had no idea that my Heavenly Father loves and trusts me as much as he must to entrust me with such a precious, smart, beautiful little girl. He must think a lot more highly of me than I do of myself.

I had no idea that when gaining a daughter, I would gain a friend. Seriously, my best friend is a 1 year old.

I had no idea I could adore little elf ears, a thin little mullet, and a scrawny little bum so much.

I had no idea at my capacity to love.

I had no idea that I would LOVE being a mom. I knew that it was something a should do, but I never thought I would love it like I do. I have no desire to be anything else than a mom (and wife). It fufills me like no paying job has ever been able to. It truly is the hardest, but best job on the planet.

Its funny to think of that Leah one year ago, in labor, on the way to the hospital. I am not her anymore. I don't relate to her anymore. She vanished in a second. At 4:22 pm on a Saturday afternoon when I became a mommy.

One year ago.