Friday, January 7, 2011


It's 5:30 AM and I have watched the past 3 hours tick by on my bedside clock. Can't sleep.

Could be the INTENSE braxton hicks that I have been having - like hard to breathe through intense. Or the fact that I am so very, very uncomfortable. Or my ever-impending role of Mom that is very quickly coming towards me.

All I do at night, as my husband blissfully snores sound asleep beside me, is think. I think about this baby inside me and what she will look like. Will she resemble Dylan or I, or a good mix of the two of us. Will she be a 'good' baby or a fussy one. Will my water break at church, shopping, in bed, on the couch, or will it break at all. What will going through labor be like. What will it be like when I see my baby for the first time.

But mostly I think about all the hopes and dreams I have for her. I think about who she will become - the goal of the child I want to raise, the obstacles facing that, and how to get her there. Dman and I were discussing the attributes that we would hope this little gal would have at 18 - how we would classify ourselves as being "successful" parents. We came up with Faithful, Virtuous, and Smart. At times, like tonight, the daunting task of getting her there overwhelms me. I know, raising a child does not happen overnight. I do not have to have any of this figured out right now, and I will learn as I go, but that doesn't take away from the huge responsibility that being a parent is - I am scared.

In my formative university days I used to watch Dr. Phil. Now I think he is a joke and wouldn't watch his show if you made me. But that is besides the point. The point is that he has a saying that has always stuck in my head - "The word Parent is not an adjective, it is a verb". Yup, a verb. An ACTION word. Actions that I will take that will forms this child's personality and inevitable future. Yikes.

The litany of jargon on "how-to" parent is, in the small sense of the word, overwhelming. Have you ever been to chapters and tried to go through the parenting section? Do you have a year?

But I guess that brings up the point that Dman and I always end our "how the heck are we going to raise this child" conversations with - thank goodness we have have spirit to guide us along our journey as parents. Really, I can read up all I want on sleep schedules, discipline tactics, and eating habits, but in the end, if I am in-tune enough with the spirit, I will know what to do. Who says He can't be the one to confirm to me that my baby isn't gassy, she just needs cuddles? I think he can and will.

Anyway, just thought I would put a pen to paper (in a manner of speaking) on my thoughts. I will probably look back in years to come when I have a brood running around, and figure out that no one really has it figured out, and laugh at my nervous self. But for now, I will probably go back to bed and keep on pondering. That is after I down a bottle of TUMS for this wicked acid-reflux!

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